Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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