I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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