next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
