just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
