We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
