Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
