Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
