I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
