FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I need moral support for this bender
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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