Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
