I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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