I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
