So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
