do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
