you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
