He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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