I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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