We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
