Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
