Ambien. No doubt about it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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