I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize