he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
