Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
