Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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