He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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