Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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