Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
