one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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