im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
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