i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
