Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize