Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
