I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize