Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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