First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
