I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
