Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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