8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
