Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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