Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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