i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
