Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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