I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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