Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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