the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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