Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
