What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
