it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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