Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
