y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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