you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
