I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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