Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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