remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
