I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
