judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
