I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
